The Morning Grind

   I was sitting in a Starbucks today, merrily drinking an iced venti stirred caramel machiatto, when much to my surprise a man of about 22 sat down at my table.  He grinned at me like he knew me and hadn't seen me in years.  I wondered to myself for a moment, "do I know this bloke?"  I racked my brain to determine if I had seen this fellow, but not even one spark of recognition.
   Then it began.  "Hi!"  It was an overly enthusiastic tone.  "Do you know Jesus?"  Also enthusiastic.  Way too enthusiastic.   I had come here because I needed a pick me up.  The kind of morning pick me up that can only be induced chemically.  Now, this moron sat across from me with some kind of unnatural energy, this I know because he was drinking apple juice.
   "I do."  Was really all I could muster.  For a moment he looked disappointed.  His subtle betrayal of his overly chipper self didn't last long though.
   "Are you saved, " he asked as his eyes widened like a starved cartoon character staring at you because you've just turned into a large baked turkey.
   "From what?" I asked him back, beginning to enjoy this exchange.  My question bewildered him for a moment.  I could see his wheels turning as he was thinking that everyone must surely know what "being saved" means.
   "Um...saved from him."  Him?  That was the best this guy could do.  I could tell he was quite unprepared.  Probably some left over energy from a particularly uplifting Bible study or evening church where someone told him to go out into the world and spread the word of Christ, and like an idiot he had gone out, but forgotten to take the words with him.
   "You mean Pete?  Yes, I've been saved from Pete since I was six, when I got this tattoo."  I said as I lifted my shirt revealing a hairy belly with no tattoo upon it.  Now he looked really confused.
   "What tattoo?"
   "This one, right here in the middle of my rummy tummy."  I grabbed his hand, and made my eyes all wide like his had been.  He started to shake a little bit.  So I took advantage of his momentary panic and pulled his hand toward my naval.  "Can you feel my tattoo?  Its in the hole that God gave me, when he poked me to find out if I was done, before taking me out of the oven."  His face twisted a bit, into what I was certain was fear, with a tiny bit of disgust.
   "What are you talking about dude?"  He asked me, trying to feign anger over top of his fear, but the slight whine in his voice gave him away.
   " I was talking about our marriage.  I think we should get our vows renewed."  Now he definitely looked afraid.  "I'm just saying its been too long, and I think our Jesus cards are close to expiring.  We wouldn't want to get a notice in the mail from God telling us our Jesus cards had expired - then I'd have to get a new cat."
   He started to stand up, but realized I hadn't let go of his hand.  So he started tugging.  I played along, acted like it was a game.  A game which he was clearly losing as I almost pulled him into my lap.  This game was getting boring though.  So I stood up and yelled, "give me back my bagel you little punk, Jesus wouldn't want you to steal."
   "I didn't take your bagel let go of my hand you freak!"  He was nearly in tears.  I suppose I had done enough damage.  I let go, tried to wipe any emotion of my face.
   I sat down and shrugged my shoulders.  "I guess I ate it, " I said as ambiguously as possible.  I stopped looking at him and went back to my coffee and the grumbling I was starting as he interrupted me.  I didn't feel right anymore.
   He looked upset though.  He moved away from my table like I was made of spikes, he put his hands out carefully as if to guide himself backwards without taking his eyes of me.  "You need help man!  You are some kind of freak!  I'm leaving, don't let this freak touch you, " he yelled to the other patrons who barely looked away from their electronic devices.  They were like me.  They needed their coffee and needed to check their emails.  They wanted to grumble while the woke up.
   Once he got far enough away from me, he bolted, making strange noises as he left.  I looked at the customer next to me, who looked back.  "What got into him, " I asked.  The man shrugged, and went back to his e-book.
   I felt suddenly better.  Ready for the day.  I love Starbucks, it always has a unique way of bringing me up.