At this very moment I am driving around in my 2006 Nissan Altima, and I don't feel like I can stop. You see in my trunk is a very angry person. Mind you, I didn't put this person in there. Actually, I just discovered they were in there about 10 minutes after I left to go to work this morning. I was driving along peacefully, navigating my way through traffic, and just shortly after jumping on the 101, I hit bump. Then it started, "thump thump thump." Then, "bang bang bang." Like a guy kicking his feet, and then beating with his arms.
You may ask why I didn't stop to check. Well I will tell you why. I'm not entirely certain it wasn't me. I did have quite a bit to drink last night and there is more than one person I'd love to stuff in my trunk. So I might open the trunk only to receive a well deserved foot in the face.
At any rate, stopping and checking was no option. At this stage, stopping anywhere isn't really an option. I don't want other people to hear them as well. I've got my radio up loud, and I'm playing 80's hair band with cranked up bass. Perhaps people will just think one of the subs in my trunk is coming loose.
I feel like I have a few options at this point. First, I have one of those trunk popping clickers on my key fob. I'm thinking of driving around all day, finding and empty parking lot, walking quite a ways off, and popping the trunk, just to see what happens. Maybe if it isn't someone I know they won't recognize the car. If it is, maybe I should have a secondary plan, like sneaking up and hitting them with a tire iron. Wait, that won't work the tire iron is in the trunk.
I'll get back to you later with and update.
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Okay, funny story. As it turns out I did lock the thing in the trunk. It wasn't a person though. See, I have a cat in my neighborhood, and she has a tendency to make my dog bark. I guess, while I was drunk last night, I shoved them both in the trunk, and went back into the house to find the keys and feel asleep on the couch. This is good because I think drunk driving is bad. At any rate, the animals apparently fell asleep and were awakened by the bump in the road and proceeded to chase each other in circles at high speeds. I know this because it continued when I opened the trunk (or at least I assume that is what they were doing as the sounds were the same).
So here is where it gets weird. I guess I must have been a little enraged at the cat because somewhere in there I found time to shave it. It was definitely a long haired cat yesterday. I also must have felt very guilty about it because it appears that I made 3-5 coats of that baldness cover up spray. This is actually more guilt than you might originally think because I am not balding at all, and don't own any of this stuff. Which means I must have gone out and bought it sometime last night.
I have to give props to the cat because despite all this, the moment it got out of the car, it should itself off, and didn't look one bit ruffled. No smudges, no scrapes or bites. As a matter of fact, other than looking like it shared hair lineage with a thousand youtube video commercials, it didn't look like its hair was damaged at all. If I every do go bald I will definitely use that stuff. To be honest, I should have filmed it and seen if they company would buy this as a commercial.
My dog on the other hand looked like had just survived world war three. It was covered in vomit, matted fur all over, even had a bloodied lip. Cat fine, dog, broke ass. I'm certain there was a lesson there. That lesson I believe, is that there is a clear reason that dogs are not allowed in race cars, but that maybe they should allow cats. Those drivers do get lonely.
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