Judge's Orders

So a few friends of mine enjoy the larping scene. If you aren't familiar, larp is live action role playing. Basically, we dress up like some characters, and play out a game. Admittedly, I have been fascinated with the entire role playing game scene since high school. When I was introduced to larping I nearly quit my job and changed my religion.

At any rate, that has all come to an end. I was out today enjoying a pleasant larp (as I like to call it), and apparently I went a little overboard. You see, my character is a half-orc that hates bathing and only eats meat. Honestly, that isn't too far from my own personality. I hate vegatables, and I am not fond of my tiny vinyl curtained rain prison. I say let the animals eat vegatables, I'll eat the animals, and get my veggies that way.

Anyway, so we started off in this park. I was playing my merry way around, testing out a spell that was taught to me by this old wizard (a crusty old dude name Jericho, I think he's actually insurance salesman). He wasn't supposed to teach me, as it might anger his diety, but who's really paying attention. Anyway, the spell was called "Infinite Rage," and its purpose was to drive the caster into an insane and uncontrollable rage so that he could overpower all his enemies.

So anyway, a bunch of punk jocks tripped by the park to show their thuggish charm to us by screaming obscenities at us. I've always enjoyed that. There is nothing more fun than a 30 year old being chased screaming from a park while pretending to be a half-orc and crying. But that's neither here nor there.

No today's little diddy is about how I've been court ordered not to LARP any more, as well as not to go to the courthouse anymore. So as we were chased from the park we made our way to the closest, and most fun place to larp, the parking lot of the city court. They've got this little columned corrider filled with statues that feels like something out of a medeival fantasy novel, just perfect. Anyway, in typical orc fashion I started peeing on the statues, and rubbing meat on them (I was in character after all).

Unfortunately, this bastard judge wandered out into the hallway on his cellphone. For the first few minutes he leaned against a column and blathered on about how he needed to get an alignment in his cadillac. I'm not sure if I just got too close, or if I got a little pee on him (or maybe meat), but he suddenly dropped the phone, scanned the area to see what, as he put it we "little weirdo's" were doing. If I hadn't gotten pee on him yet, I certainly did then. Honestly his sudden engagement with us caught me off guard.

Almost immediately he screamed assualt, and a very prickly faced man (I know because it got dangerously close to my ear after he dropped me to the ground) in a guard uniform began accosting me. All I could think was, didn't this just happen? Crap. I hate big people. Anyway, moments later I was wisked away, with a few of my supportive friends (the others shed the parts of their clothes that made them look like participants and ran for the street. Little bastards. They are totally getting peed on next time) joined me in the court room.

I tried to explain exactly what was going on but the judge wasn't really getting it. He kept calling it larding. It sort of made me angry. All I could think was..."Hulk smash." Then it hit me. It was time for "Infinite Rage." So, like any great orc sorcerer, I cast it and subsequently began smashing chairs, tables, and anything I could get my hands on. I am certain I had hit the judge at least twice with the court recording device before I was tased.

Anyway, cut to the chase. Judge's Order: "You sir are not a half-orc. You are however a borderline retard. You will not LARD again. I hereby order you to lose the orc clothing in a dumpster bathed in fire, and to forget that you ever heard the words infinite rage. I also hereby order that you do not step foot in this building or on this lot again. Now get the hell out of my court room."

So, anyway I have commited myself to a LARD free life. In the end though it worked out in my favor. I got a traffic ticket in the center of town yesterday. The cop said he'd need to see me in court in the morning. I said, "oh...sorry can't go." He said you better go. Good thing I had the judge's orders in my glove box. When I showed them, all he did was shake his head and walk away. Good times.