Raping the Air

I had my laptop in the local "Bucks" this week. I decided a spot of gaming might do me some good. I popped open my copy of the latest block mining game, and started digging my way to the center of the earth. As I sat there merrily humming "whistle while we work" (which seems ironic somehow), a man behind me started watching without my knowledge.
   You might wonder how I know that someone behind me was watching. Its quite simply really, apparently this man was distantly related to the Kool-Aid man. As I mined downward, slowly pushing my way toward the bedrock, I ran into a spider. Not just any spider, but a fearsome cave spider. So, I did what any totally normal miner would do in this case. I whipped out my trusty iron sword, and began bashing it upon the head as it hissed at me.
   As I did this, and watched the spider burst into nothing, leaving behind a little wisp of spider silk, the man behind me let out a grating "Oh yeah." I turned and looked, and saw him, one hand on his hip, other hand with a trenta extra-extra-carmel frappuchino. He was swaying back and forth in a humping motion and shaking his head with a huge smile on his face.
   As I met his eyes the humping motion increased and he let out another "Oh yeah."
   "Can I help you?" Was all I could really muster. The pendulum movement of the humping increased, and he let out another "Oh yeah..." this time with more enthusiasm.
   He looked at me and smiled more, his mouth opening and the grinding motion billowing out into a circular motion of his hips. His eyes widened, his mouth now agape, and the "Oh yeah's" were being repeated faster.
   Now the entire room was watching. They weren't looking at him though. They were looking at me. I realized I have guarded my screen, and no one in the room could see it. I couldn't imagine what they thought was on it based on the gyrations of the kool-aid man behind me. A girl at the counter started to glare, and the man behind me switched his mantra.
   "Oh yessss..." Somehow the thickly lain "s" made me feel dirty. People around the room started shaking their head, wondering why I didn't shut of the filth that must certainly be on my screen. I looked at the man, and then again at my monitor. A mine shaft, a dead spider, and some silk. Nothing sultry. The man reached out and grabbed my shoulder, the swing of his hips coming dangerously close to making contact to my arm.
   Finally, a man across the room broke the silence. "Shut it off man." A woman near him shook her head vigorously up and down.
   The girl at the counter joined in. "Yes, please sir. We don't want that in here."
   "I'm almost there!" The man jolted out, looking positively hurt.
   I heard a woman gag nearby, but didn't bother to look. I'd began to move in a swaying pattern to avoid thrust of pelvis so near me. Suddenly a man jumped up, and ran over to see what there. He stopped just as he reached a point where he could see my screen. I could see he was lost for words. He looked confused, and the entire room looked at him for answers like he was the messiah.
   "Minecraft?" he asked, as he tilted his head and looked at me. Then it happened. The tip of something touched me. I had been distracted from my swaying, and it suddenly went from just the tip of something, to the full court press of a man deep in the throws of passion.
   I did what any man at Starbucks at 3:00 in the afternoon would have done. Especially a man who is quite possibly totally insane. I grabbed it. I pulled on it, quite hard. I twisted, I pulled down, and at an angle I know it isn't supposed to go. As I grabbed it, his "oh yeah" transformed into a hideous "ah yaaaaaaaaah!"
   Then I lost it. I pointed to the man who had now fallen to the floor graphing his manhood. "You, never never stand behind someone and chant lines from 80's commercials about children's drinks."
   Then I pointed to the girl at the counter. "It's Minecraft, not Girls of Starbucks, so put your disapproving face away and make me another damn Caffe Americano."
   Then I pointed to the man who had gotten a glimpse, "Yes, it is minecraft. No I don't know why this man just air raped me."
   I stood up, walked to the door and had this tremendous urge to do something, but I could think of nothing. I simply ran. I wasn't afraid the man on the floor would charge me with assault, or that the people of Starbucks never allow me back in. I just realized I didn't have the $20 I promised the transient man I'd seen up the street. I'd told him to come up behind me and make a little scene, because the Starbucks is boring. Oh well. I guess I'll owe him.